The Wørd: stupid power

Section 8: Result and Beyond

My fellow Americans. [Well, a little less than half of you.] From the fiery forge of the 2016 presidential elections has emerged our Great Leader. [Trump Hates Love.] And this Great Leader has promised to Make America Great … Again. [Backwards and Upwards!] I know that I, for one, am looking forward to living in the swanky hotel that will be Trump America. [Until it goes bankrupt.] But I also know that many of you [a little over half] are asking yourselves, hey, just how the hell is this guy even going to make things mediocre? Many of you are thinking [more of an internal shriek], hey, this guy has never met a fact that he didn’t ignore. What’s so great about that? [You get to wear your hair any way you want.]

Well, I’m here to tell you what’s so great about that. I’m here to let you in on the great secret of our Great Leader’s great strength. [Oh … great.] And that secret is: Stupid Power. [Ditto. The phrase works meta, too.] Let me repeat that: Stupid Power. Now, some may call it the Power of Stupid. [Opposite to the Power of Love. Huey Lewis shout-out!] But that’s too many words for me. That sounds too smart. Too accurate. And where did smart and accurate ever get us anyway? [Most recently, out of the Bush Great Recession.] No, I’m here to tell you about the pure and simple bullet train of Stupid Power. I’m here to invite you to climb aboard [the Soulless Train!] for a thrilling ride straight off the rails. [Meeeeeeeeeeeee!] You see, folks, with Stupid Power, you don’t need no science. [Is it hot in here to you?] You don’t need no education. [Unless you can teach “leadership” with a straight face.] You just need your deeply held beliefs [eventually to be pried from your dead, cold hands] founded on the down-to-earth creed of a gun to love, a bible to misconstrue, several key demographic groups to hate [Let Freedom Sting!], and plenty of salt and sugar in your diet. [Mmm, that nice cushy lining of brain-fat.] After all, these principles are what made America Great in the first place. [White supremacist capitalist patriarchy.] And these core values, under the guidance of our new Great Leader, surely will transport us back to that great future. [Kicking and screaming in a DeLorean.]

Now, I acknowledge that Liberals are profoundly disappointed with the election results. [A woman just can’t win for winning.] I realize they feel like all the hope and change of the past eight years [hereafter to be known officially as “the obamanation”] will be wiped out in our Great Leader’s first one hundred days. [Hey, I can do it in fifty. Believe you me.] But you Liberals need to stop your progressive bellyaching. You need to man-up [literally] and get with the Greatness program. [Translated: you pussies are about to be grabbed.] Manifestly, this is Destiny. This is God’s Will. His Great Plan at work. Because, let’s face it, God obviously wants old white men to be rich and powerful. Just look at His selfies. [Visual: Michelangelo’s “Creation of Adam” with Trump’s head replacing Adam’s.] Yeah, that’s right. That’s strictly man-on-man action there, folks. That’s proof. That’s Providence. (Aside: Oh my, Adam sure does have small hands.) Anyway, my point is, Liberals, what have you got to lose? You can never get your act together anyway. [Feel the Berned.] You just put up the most qualified candidate ever to run for president [except for the naughty bits] and she was soundly defeated by the minority of voters.

The American people have spoken [all 538 of them in the Electoral College], and the outcome is clear. Our Great Leader has lead a populist revolution in America propelled by congressional gridlock, the sky-high ratings of for-profit news outlets, systematic voter suppression, a public addicted to reality TV, and an anti-elitism personified by a trust-fund brat. [Yep. What he said.] That’s right, folks. Only in America. Only in America. So, Liberals, put an end to your fruitless street protests [#notYOURpresidentanywaysucka]. Cross over to the Drumpf side [audio: Darth Vader breathing] and surrender to the delicious certainty of Stupid Power. It’s a belief you can get behind, that leaves no doubt in your mind. [Because your mind isn’t involved in the transaction.] It’s a glorious reaffirmation of the inspiring vision for America as set out by the Founding Fathers. [Let Caucasian boys be Caucasian boys!] It leads inevitably to the Greatest Good. [For the Greatest Few. Obfuscate that pyramidal order!] Yes, the blessings of Stupid Power have brought us to this historic moment. So what do you say we just shut that whole history thing down right now. We’re there. We’re finished. We’re done. We’ve arrived. [The Neoliberal Jerusalem!] Remember: Stupid is as Stupid doesn’t do. And that’s The Wørd.

[Note: a huge tip of Uncle Sam’s top hat to Stephen Colbert, who Made Satire Great Again, for his device of satiric argumentation, The Wørd.]